When Donald Met Vladimir: The Transcript
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin conferred privately in Helsinki, Finland, on Monday, with only interpreters present. Since then, speculation has been rife about the content of their discussion. The New York Times has obtained a transcript of the conversation, published below.
President Trump: Your Excellency.
President Putin: Donald.
President Trump: I’ve got to be honest with you, Vladimir, if you don’t mind, I really could use some good news out of our meeting today. I’m getting absolutely killed for sticking it to Theresa May in England the other day.
President Putin: Not like Alexander Litvinenko and Dawn Sturgess were absolutely killed, Donald. You may put your mind at rest. We consider your visit in Europe to be a great success.
President Trump: Glad you think so. Sorry if I was a little rough on Angela about all the money Germany is going to give Russia through that Nord Stream gas pipeline of yours.
President Putin: On the contrary, this was an extremely clever ploy, which impressed us greatly. We were concerned by anti-Gazprom — excuse me, anti-Russia — sentiment in Germany recently. But when you of all people criticize the pipeline, you force Berlin to support it is as a matter of national pride and principle! This is the essence of tradecraft: to convince those whom you seek to manipulate that they are thinking and acting for themselves.
President Trump: I see. It’s like reverse psychology or something. Just like what we did with Trump University, make these morons think they were going to learn the secrets of my real-estate success!
President Putin: Not exactly, Donald. That was outright fraud.
President Trump: Hey, speaking of fraud, you know the fake news keeps saying you helped me win the election. And my guys are telling me you interfered somehow, and it makes my victory look tainted. I’m really sorry to bother you about this again, but they said I had to raise the subject with you. What do you say?
President Putin: Donald, it is like what your President Lincoln once said: You can fool some of the people all the time and all of the people some of the time — but if you can discredit independent media, control state media, and inject enough dezinformatsiya in social media, you can fool almost all the people all the time. The rest you kill.
But, in answer to your question: No.
President Trump: I believe you Vladimir, I really do. Like, no offense, but I didn’t need you to beat crooked Hillary!
President Putin: Certainly not, Donald. Mr. Comey’s timely intervention was more than sufficient. May we also say how much we admire how you have discredited the F.B.I. and the rest of your so-called deep state? To rally your supporters and confound your opponents by conjuring imaginary enemies is a method we have profitably employed for over a century, most recently in Ukraine.
We are pleased to see you now use the same technique with your European allies.
President Trump: Oh, they’re the worst! So full of airs and condescending. And we keep picking up the check! It’s like being married to Zsa Zsa Gabor or someone: You pay for everything; next thing you know she dumps you and keeps the house. No thanks!
President Putin: An apt comparison, Donald. Truly you and all American taxpayers are being swindled. And, if we may ask, for what? With so much immigration, Europeans are not even European anymore. Did you know that NATO’s newest member, Montenegro, is almost the most Muslim country in the alliance, except of course for Turkey?
President Trump: I did not know that!
President Putin: It’s true. Yet your predecessor, Mr. Obama, invited them to join NATO, and they slipped in behind your back at the beginning of your term. Just imagine, young American troops, God forbid, might have to fight World War III to defend this tiny country of too many Muslims.
President Trump: Not on my watch! It’s not like any of these little countries do jack for our security.
President Putin: You might say the same about Estonia, for example, and other faraway countries of which, if you may permit us to say, you know nothing.
President Trump: Couldn’t find them on a map, frankly.
President Putin: Donald, we have the same goals. We want to defend the great Christian civilization of your Scottish and German ancestors against barbarians from the southlands. Yet we are being stabbed, stabbed in the back, by the exact same people! I mean global capitalists like George Soros and Bill Browder and he-women like Hillary and Merkel and feminized men like Barack Obama who have no will to fight!
We must turn to face these backstabbers, Donald, not let the deep state manipulate us into fighting each other.
President Trump: You have to come to Washington to deliver this message in person, Vladimir.
President Putin: Oh, Donald, I thought you would never ask.
