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Ricardo Bada: De re somnífera – América 2.1 Como todos sabemos, el más antiguo método no farmacéutico que se conoce para conciliar el sueño consiste en ponerse a contar ovejas. Hay quienes aseguran que es infalible, aunque no se ha hecho una investigación de campo, seria y alemana (quiero decir: científica), en la que se incluyese, por ejemplo, la experiencia adquirida en ese terreno por los pastores de los rebaños. Tengo la impresión de que a ellos el conteo de ovejas les producirá justamente el efecto contrario, o sea, el insomnio más desvelado que imaginarse pueda.
Pero es que, además, como dijo alguna vez el humorista argentino Enrique Pinti, muchos de los que no somos pastores de rebaños también podemos alcanzar ese estado de febril insomnio cuando al cabo de haber contado 1.715 ovejas, o quizás antes, nos hemos puesto a pensar paralelamente que disponiendo de semejante rebaño bien nos podríamos dedicar a la industria textil, con lo cual, una vez tomada la decisión de hacerlo, se nos empiezan a plantear los problemas de la esquila, de la mano de obra para las hilanderías y luego para la manufactura del tejido, después de lo cual hay que venderlo y ahí entran en juego los intermediarios, pero para más inri resulta que todo ello sucede en un momento de recesión económica y los consumidores optan por el algodón, que es más barato, de manera que el negocio no funciona… y díganme ustedes a mí cómo va a poder uno conciliar el sueño, agobiado como está por todas estas circunstancias que se lo quitarían al santo más libre de pecados de todo el reino celestial.
No, de a deveras, estimados lectores, no: por mi parte he renunciado definitivamente a contar ovejas para dormirme. He descubierto otros prodecimientos de los que sólo les mencionaré un par de ellos relacionados con la lectura.
Comiencen la lectura de la primera parte (Genealogías) de los Paralipomenos de la Biblia, capítulos 1 a 9, y les apuesto doble contra sencillo a que antes de alcanzar a terminar el 4.º o 5.º capítulo ya roncarán a pierna suelta. Pero si estuvieran lo bastante cansados como para saber que no hará falta tanto sacrificio, redúzcanse a leer el capítulo 36 del Génesis, donde se da cuenta de la descendencia de Esaú, y eso sí, léanlo en voz alta, es decir: palabra por palabra. Sus efectos somníferos son fulminantes.
Ahora bien, si el procedimiento del párrafo anterior les pareciera impío o sacrílego, pueden sustituir la Biblia por los siete tomos de A la busca del tiempo perdido , de Marcel Proust, sin que esto signifique que tengan que leerse los siete; creo poder garantizarles, por experiencia propia, que bastan con las 50 primeras páginas del primer tomo. A partir de la 20 empieza uno a sospechar que el resto va a ser igual, o peor; si llega a la 30 estará valientemente tratando de reprimir los bostezos (pues no en vano le han asegurado que se trata de una obra maestra de la literatura universal); su resistencia será heroica si alcanza la página 40; pero de ahí en más allá las propiedades anestésicas del texto le sumirán en el más dulce de los nirvanas.
Coda : Otro soporífero es ver películas de Miguel Littin, pero el director chileno tiene que luchar en el terreno de los opiáceos con una competencia formidable. Vale.
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Vuelvo a dar fe de lo soporífero que es «En busca del tiempo perdido», aunque me caigan encima rayos y centellas.
Buenos consejos, Ricardo. El Antiguo testamento es perfecto para esos fines. ¿Sabés por qué «En busca del tiempo perdido» tiene siete tomos? ¡Porque al tiempo perdido es imposible recuperarlo! Pero el autor no lo sabía, y buscó, buscó, hasta que se cansó de escribir el libro.